Last day of drinking #1,987

Tomorrow I will be starting over AGAIN. Quitting drinking is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and I don't know why. I know I'm an alcoholic. I know I want to stop abusing alcohol. I drown my pain in it and create more pain. It's life lived on a fucking hamster wheel and I want off for good. The thing is, I love it. I love the pain. Or at least my ego does. My ego loves the attention I give it by pouring toxic bullshit down my throat and it loves getting attention from other people, positive or negative. It's not picky, my ego. I know what kind of life I want and deserve and I know that I have to have it for my family's sake, too. I crave sobriety. It's what the real me wants--the ego-less me. I was raised by monsters and I became a monster and now I'm ruining everything. It's so sad. I cannot let my children suffer the way I did. I cannot let my husband suffer. I will not. I am not sure exactly how I am going to beat this horrible fucking disease, but I will do it. I will do it. I'm taking my quest for sobriety to the internets because I want to be nailed down. I have tried everything and nothing's worked, so I'm putting myself out there in an effort to be held accountable. I'm tired of lying about everything, all the time. Tired of hurting my family.